Getting to know yourself, that’s what!
Over the last few years, I’ve come to know myself so much better. I dove deeper into my psyche than I ever have before. I’ve started to see the magic that is life, the magic that makes life scary and exhilarating.
Getting to know myself has been the scariest thing I’ve ever done.
It has forced me to look in deep crevices…the shadows…the abyss. I’ve had to pull the curtain back and expose the terror within.
It has forced me to discover new levels of bravery and courage that I never knew was possible.
See, I grew up with the belief that it’s not safe to be me in this world. I, as a person, am unacceptable. I am unlovable. I am an idiot.
I carried that shit with me my entire life. Some of it from a past life I rediscovered, some of it since I was 3 years old. It was heavy as hell!
I was tired…physically, emotionally, and mentally. I was tired of carrying the baggage.
On a conscious level, I was done, ready to put it all down. I just didn’t know where or how to start.
Unconsciously, I continued the battle, using my baggage as a shield to ward off the perceived weapons that would cut me open wider than the wounds already there. Those weapons would support me in obtaining the positive and powerful learnings that were waiting as my reward for being a warrior.
Before I was a warrior, though, I was programmed with the belief of “I’ll believe it when I see it” — that something doesn’t exist unless you can see it and touch it.
I can see my physical body. It’s tangible and totally unacceptable as it is (hello 🎒). But I couldn’t see my unconscious mind or my Higher Self, so they must not really exist.
Then why in the hell wasn’t I able to make the changes I wanted to make?!
Shortly after I was “done” with my breast cancer treatment, I began diving into personal growth and development. I got a wild idea that maybe my cancer had something to do with the depression and anxiety I had lived with for most of my life. I was in a constant state of fight or flight.
I began seeing a therapist and worked my way to being brave enough to attend some workshops. I began reading “self-help” books. I began looking deeper within myself.
I began heading in the direction that the little whispers were telling me to go.
I ended up at The Ford Institute in the Breakthrough Shadow Coaching program. This is where I learned about the shadow and emotions. This is where I began to learn about the pieces of me that needed to be brought into the light so they could be integrated into the whole of me, the part of me I couldn’t see yet.
I began to notice how the things I was doing in life were driven by the unconscious choices I made from the various “traumatic” experiences I’ve had throughout my life. I began feeling like an archeologist digging up some really valuable treasures. I was discovering things I couldn’t see.
I began getting to know myself better than I ever have. I started to see how courageous I actually was. I began “seeing” things I’d never seen before. I began reprogramming myself.
It may have been the scariest thing I’ve ever done, but it was also the most exhilarating. I found a way to make the changes I’ve always wanted to make. I found a way to uncover the things that were keeping me stuck carrying around the baggage I’d held so tightly. It was really quite liberating.
The thing is, I did a lot of really hard work, a lot of scary work, but I didn’t always do it alone. I had help from family, friends, therapists, coaches, and my community. I continue to get help on a regular basis, and I continue to help others do the same.
Humans aren’t meant to do things alone. I think the state of the world today proves that.
Humans are pretty resourceful too. We’re able to come out of most situations learning something. Let’s keep looking and learning and digging, together.